I failed. I made a commitment contract, a paper that details my own values and commitment to adhering to those values. I had this amazing moment with myself. I saw myself in the mirror and loved myself and had hope. Not 24 hours later and I failed. The beginning of the day was great, I got up early, had breakfast, went to work etc..(although I will admit I felt a little fuzzy at work, not sure if I was still sleepy or what) but it was right after I ate lunch that I decided to take care of some business at home. I called the IRS, my credit card company, and then decided to call William and tell him that his behavior over the phone the night before was the reason we can't be together. This didn't go over well of course. But even worse then that, he played the blame game and became the victim again. This put me over the edge. He is the most frustrating man I have ever had to deal with. It was right about this point when I started inhaling strawberry fruit leathers one after the next, so fast that I'm not sure how many I ate, thank god they're organic!
After that conversation I just felt defeated. Work became work. The highlight of my day became my dinner. Forget about working out. Too cold anyways. Now I am just disappointed and annoyed with myself.
I don't even feel like pumping myself back up. I don't want to do anything. I just want to watch mindless movie and drift into a nice oblivious state.
There is something else too. It's worse then feeling defeated by William. There is this voice that has been nagging at me for a while, well maybe longer then that even. It is quite possible that it has been nagging at me my whole conscious life. It keeps saying, "you're running out of time. Do more. Be more. You are an artist. You need to be making movies. You need to be on stage. You need to be writing scripts, singing songs, dancing on Broadway. What are you doing? Nothing. You are old. You are out of shape. You are so far behind. You are too far behind. You will never be able to catch up now." This voice is the reason why I relate so much to the gypsy, to the vagabond, to the nomad, to "Chocolat" where the woman and her daughter move every time she feels the wind come in from the North. I am able to quiet the voice sometimes, and sometimes I am able to quiet it for a while, years even, but then it is back, I can feel the wind. I can feel the change that is about to come. It is almost an eerie feeling at that.
Fuck. I don't know how to read sheet music. Play the piano. I can maybe do a clean double pirouette on my left, can't do shit on my right. I would be lucky if I had enough energy to get my big butt a foot off the ground for a nice leap. So behind. But my dreams are so strong. They will not let me rest. I have to do something great. I am doing good with the people around me. My job. Emerging Artists is thriving and I am beyond lucky and oh so grateful to have that as my job. It is truly a blessing that I never could have imagined. But I am not fulfilled in my soul. I still want to test my limits. I want to be on Broadway. Be in a movie. Make a movie. Write and direct a documentary. There is so much I want to do! And I want to do it now of course. I want to do it while I am young. I want to do it before I have kids, even before I am married really.
I guess I will try again tomorrow. Every day we are reborn says Buddha. Until then, there is a Stella Artois in my hand, candles, a movie on Netflix, and Angela ready to come over with some tea and some good girl chat, god knows I need it.
Thank you for listening
